Whenever a person close to you is terminally ill, whether they pass suddenly or slowly over an extended period of time, the emotion of loss can be painfully overwhelming. This is the path I have traversed when in 2004 my dad crossed over and for eighteen months thereafter thirteen family members and close, close friends followed him to the other side. Assisting them energetically to let go of this world and move into the next followed by final arrangements, officiating funerals and memorial services, making programs, and handling estates; were all more than any one person should have had to bear. But in spite of it all I found the strength to let go of how I wanted to hold onto them. I found ways to accept their true essence, as spirit, and to continue my relationship with them; just in a different way.
Well, I was called to do it again with my beloved spirit sister. She was battling the effects of breast cancer. As a cathartic exercise for me and hopefully a gift to you, I am going to briefly share her journey and then my personal process of overcoming grief. If you are going through a process of grief from someone who has transitioned or is in transition, the steps I have taken to move forward may be of assistance to you as well.
My sis was diagnosed in the winter of 2009 by a very compassionate yet neutral doctor. As you can imagine, questions were reeling through our heads, although news like that left my sis numb for a moment. It was at that time a plan of action was implemented where a combination of alternative healing methods along with Western medicine was decided upon. The one caveat being; there would be no chemo.
It was only a matter of five months from the diagnoses that the cancer went into remission. There was no doubt a miracle had happened! For over a year she continued to do all of her treatment regimens including energy healing work. She was really thriving for over a year! However, due to her decision to travel throughout the country and live in another state temporarily, where she underwent an extreme stressful situation, she moved away from her healing regimens.
Upon moving back to California a woman hit her, in a bad car accident which broke her hip. When becoming aware of the fracture it was also discovered she had cancerous tumors on the same hip. She recovered from surgery, agreed to radiation to eliminate the tumor, which was successful and she was anxious to start walking again – except, she didn’t have the strength to walk or do anything anymore. From there it was a series of circumstances that had her continue to decline in health until it was discovered cancerous tumors on the bones had spread throughout her entire body from skull to feet. The organs were not affected at all, only the bones. The prognoses grim, but her determination and spirit pressed on with optimism at beating the cancer. Unfortunately her body was just not strong enough to do that. It was too far gone.
During a short while as she began her regimen again with a vengeance, she was clear minded, out of pain and even more optimistic about her outcome. But after four weeks of what seemed to be upward movement she fell weak again and was taken to the hospital. The cancer had metastasized to her brain and spine and her bones were so brittle her right shoulder became fractured just moving her in bed. She was unable to move her body; she could no longer speak or swallow well; her breathing became labored and she was on a continuous intravenous drip of pain medication. I, as well as the entire family knew she was not going to make it back home. Two weeks later, she did go home but not to the one here on earth. On March 16, 2013 she took her last breath as her spirit left her physical body forever.
What she endured is similar to the stories people live every day. But once a loved one has made transition to the other side she or he are no longer in pain; but are truly embraced by the grace of God’s great love. It is the anguish felt by those of us left behind that seems to linger in the aftermath of our loved one’s separation from their physical body.
Grief doesn’t actually begin at the time of our loved one’s departure. It begins long before that. As I travailed through the challenges my sis was faced with what began as great optimism slowly turned to the realization that no matter how strong her spirit, how strong her consciousness; her body was past the point of return. At the moment of that realization, four months before her transition, my grieving process began.
- First I felt shock and then deep, deep sadness. During that period I allowed myself to cry for a few days, feeling the sadness as deeply as possible until I came to a place within me that was grateful for having her here, just the way she was.
- After that, I resolved myself to do all that I could to assist her in her healing process. That meant resolving my mind to the fact she would never be as vibrant as she once was.
- It became important to establish a relationship with her in a different way, which I did. I became her care taker and servant in the way of providing whatever it was she needed. If she wanted to be held and rocked I did it, if she needed energy cleared from her aura or any other type of healing I did it, if she needed her butt wiped after having a bowl movement I did it…… I was happy to have her here and determined to make her life more bearable.
- The next stage of grief came when she began to slip away about three days before her actual home going. I began sinking into a muddy, murky place where sadness met irritability with a lack of tolerance for just about everyone. In other words, I was slowly moving into anger, deep anger at the reality she was not going to be in this world much longer. During this time I began writing as a way to clear grief, my head and emotions. Writing was a way of releasing the pressure valve.
- Once my sis actually did cross over I experienced every emotion possible. Relief she was no longer in pain; anger at her leaving because of not having taken care of what she needed to do to keep living; sadness at knowing I would not interact with her again in the physical body; and then depression – the type of depression that had me withdraw into my own special cave where no one was allowed in. This is when I did nothing but meditate. During the meditation I allowed the memories of our twenty-two years together to surface, I consciously released them along with experiential emotions and other connections we had.
- Now, as I continue to grieve I simply allow whatever I am experiencing to be present – without stuffing or suppressing the feelings. Sometimes it’s feelings of loss for what we were going to do in the future but never will. Sometimes it’s my own guilt of not having done enough for her while she was here. Sometimes it’s the longing for having things the way they used to be. When these feelings come up I breathe deeply, I meditate, I continue to journal, and I vegetate. That’s right I sit and watch television movies, read and fall asleep until I’m ready to do productive activities. At that point, the busyness of work helps stave off additional grief.
- The last and continuous thing I do is talk to my sis, as well as those who transitioned before her. Conversations I have with them are no different than the ones I’d have with someone over the phone. I speak and then I open myself to the communication of their spirit. I hear their voices, see them in my dreams, see them while awake or feel the essence of their energy as I speak, do or experience something the way they would. In this way I know they are not gone, we have only established a new relationship, one that can last forever.
Everyone who grieves goes through it in their own way, of course. To grieve is to heal; but it is a painful process that sometimes feels as if there is no recovery from it. For each person the time it takes to grieve is different. It may be a month, a year, ten years or forever but how you handle those different stages of grief determines how well you’re able to live more and more and more joyfully, happily until you discover a new way to live and celebrate life
Lynne Herod-DeVerges, founder of Center of Light Miracles http://ask-lynne.org/lynnesmiracles/